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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Emily's LiveJournal:
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| Wednesday, April 13th, 2005 | | 12:20 am |
its been one year since i opened my big fat mouth in chili's and told ra i liked her. an look at all the stuff thats happened since then. i came out to my mother (god help me), ive finished junior teaching without murdering any students, ive decided to go to grad school, ive been to the west coast, ive bought grapefruits for ten cents each (or had laura buy them for me....), i got addicted to family guy, an a whole bunch of other stuff. whew! most importantly, ive had the most fun-filled year ive ever had. an i can be me. happy birthday and happy anniversary to my puppy, whom i love with all of my heart (and who is NOT an old fart)!!! Current Mood:  loved | | Tuesday, March 29th, 2005 | | 8:40 pm |
u know uve reached a new comfort zone level when....
so i guess i have definately reached a new comfort zone level with my flute professor. and this is how i know. im playing the flute solo excerpt from ravel's daphnis et chloe in my lesson today, and frankly, im sucking at it big time. she stops me, and tells me this story. now, before i tell YOU the story, heres the deal with kelly. i love her, but shes a conservative republican who voted for bush, TWICE (puke), and who is somewhat wary of gay people. an she does know i am a lesbian. so, she looks at me an shes like "i had this professor in undergrad, who was, oh, how shall i put this, very effeminately gay. as in he would stand there and say 'you go, girlfriend' [as she does this striking imitation of doug han snapping his fingers and shaking his hips] and he gave me a striking image for this piece. he told me to play it as if its the moment after you've been with your lover, and you really need a cigarette." anyway, she continued on in this length. telling me how its not exactly the climactic moment, but the moment right after, when you're molded into the bed and your lover's body and don't want to move. i think thats the first time that someone talking about sex has made me turn bright red. because i'm sure she was standing there thinking about her husband (i mean, i would HOPE thats who she'd think about for that) an im sitting there thinking to myself "oh jesus, i sleep with women, i sleep with women, i sleep with women...." thats my interesting story for the day. | | Tuesday, March 15th, 2005 | | 10:28 pm |
LA.....long entry
sooo.....this spring break was the best one i've ever had. ra flew me out to la. i left ithaca on friday, then drove some dvds to steve that evening, an the next day i got up, had a haircut (YAY!), ate lunch with my mom, an went to the airport. where i sat for three hours. cuz my mom an i were both paranoid id miss my flight. the flight from boston to atlanta (i had a transfer) was uneventful, except for this older lady i sat next to. we ended up talking, an it turned out she an her husband were flying to ft lauderdale for a cruise. well, i asked her where she lived, an she said she lived in medway! i flipped. i said u have to be kidding me. well, she really did live in medway. i told her that i had dated a guy for three years who lived there. she wanted to know who. so i told her it was steve buja. she goes "oh, i know rosie! i used to help out with the medway players productions!" i must have turned bright red. it was SO bizarre. flight to la was fine, but sooooooooo boring; i must have driven the girl next to me nuts, i bounced up an down for about the last 45 minutes of the flight. from above, because of the symmetrical city blocks, la looks like the inside of a computer. ra an her roommates noel and laci met me at the airport, an we went to the cheesecake factory, an then back to her apartment an to sleep. sunday laci an ra an i went to hollywood. i saw a stormtrooper!!!!! an the kodak theater, an the chinese theater, an the star walk, an gregory peck's foot an hand prints, an a whole bunch of other ppls foot an hand prints. i saw the hollywood sign (which i must admit, i thought was a fake thing only used on movie sets) an i went to coldstone creamery, which was fucking amazing. we also went to west hollywood (gay hollywood) which was by far the best sight-seeing part of my trip. it was so wonderful to be able to walk around with ra an hold her hand an kiss her in public an hug her an not have ppl be offended. we went to a bookstore, an i got all caught up with wedding-organization books, an i really really really want one! (hint hint hint....my birthday is august 12th....) we ate outside universal studios at a place that i think is called universal walk (its an outdoor mall leading up to the entrance of universal studios). we had FISHEESES! YUMMY!!!! i saw a gigantic yoda statue an wanted it. ra bought me a promise ring; a beautiful silver ring with twining knots on it. very pretty. we also drove by jim henson studios, which has a large statue of kermit the frog dressed up as charlie chaplin standing on top of the gatehouse. monday an tuesday i went to classes with her an got a tour of her building. they only have one main building where classes are, with some additional smaller ones for art an animation an props studios. i met a bunch of her friends, including a guy named mark, who i LOVE! i offered to take him home with me, an i even offered to take his boyfriend too, but he declined. :( wednesday we borrowed lacis car an went beach hopping. the beaches were covered in bamboo drift wood. it was amazing. the highway we drove on (not really a highway, just a faster country road) was littered with fruit trees interspersed with desert. oranges just lay on the friggin ground like APPLES! it was like nothing ive ever seen before. its so different there. it was like a different country. more so. germany is more like new england (which is the only place ive ever really been) than la is. we got fresh fish an fruit, an i stuffed myself on scallops. i LOOOOOOOVE beer-battered scallops. thursday evening was the art opening, to which i got taken. some of the stuff was really cool an some of it was truly bizarre. the art opening is sponsored by the school, an from what i understand, every art student is expected to contribute something to it at one point or another. the school gives out free alcohol, an people fucking smoke up in the middle of the building in a crowd. friday we took ra's computer to a computer place (its having major pms issues, except its a guy, so maybe its going through puberty an having wetdreams?), an then i went to her african ensemble class. everything is so lax there. this girl waltzed in half an hour late with a thing of sushi, then ten minutes later left again with her sushi, an came back twenty minutes later after having eaten it! wtf! if anyone did that here, theyd be kicked out of the damn school! noel, laci, ra an i went out to dinner at friday's an pigged out, an my flight left on saturday. ra drove me to the airport. i also went to two gamelan rehearsals while i was there. its very different from anything that im used to, and i liked the javanese better than the balinese. the javanese was also a rehearsal for a gig in la in a theater, so they had dancers, which was really cool to watch. when i got back to ithaca sunday night, i got bitten by something. unfortunately, it was very near an area where i have a large, explainable bruise. so i had to go to the health center, an they saw the bruise, an freaked out that someone was abusing me, and i had to convince them that ra just thinks im a chewtoy. i also got my midterm grades. one c, one b+, an seven a's (those are my gradable classes). but most remarkable, one of the a's was in THEORY!!!!!! first time ever. lots of sai stuff is going on now as pledging starts to draw to a close, an kelly is pressuring me to look at old guard audition stuff, as well as pick out recital stuff. i miss ra more than i can say, an i hate being without her. i cannot wait until this stupid school thing is over! but shes gonna call soon, an i havent written an entry this long in ages an im not used to it, an my fingers hurt, so im gonna go to bed. | | Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005 | | 11:50 pm |
i miss shana. a whole hell of alot. fourhouse was tonight, an everyone was there with their big or little. i have no little, and my big isnt here. an much as i love her, laura was never really my big, because through an unfortunate series of miscommunications, she thought i hated her, an i thought she hated me, so we never talked until the night i told her i liked her. an after that she was my girlfriend. an i know that if shana had stayed here, she would have been my big. an i miss having someone who will be my big. its hard for ra to be my big an my girlfriend, an id much rather have her as the latter. but it does mean i dont have a big, really. of course, all of this could be because im depressed as all hell an desperate to get out of here. | | Monday, February 28th, 2005 | | 12:47 am |
im sick of people needing me to solve problems or deliver ultimatums. i hate being the person ppl are supposed to come to to fix things. i have no me time anymore. i need to get out of here an i need to get out of here now. becca was here for the weekend an it kept me sane for the weekend. and i hate assholes who say things like "you need to stop hanging out with all these gay women or guys are not going to be attracted to you" i dont even have enough energy to bitch about anything else. thats all. | | Saturday, February 19th, 2005 | | 7:06 pm |
so now that ive been properly chastised by my puppy (well, not really) for not posting (she does an i dont), im gonna try to start posting againg. ive passed six of my eight proficiencies so far. ive completed saxophone, trumpet, oboe, clarinet, french horn, and trombone. i have percussion and tuba left, but theyre both at unspecified times for various reasons. we've had our pledging ceremony, an have three new mits!!! yay!!! deydra, janning, and randi will all be my sisters in six weeks (give or take one for spring break). and as i was walking back to my room tonight after a successful performance of the fifes and drums of ithaca at the culture link festival downtown at csma, a nice thought went through my head. two weeks from now, i will be on a plane flying to georgia. and from there, i will get on a plane going to la. and when i land in la, my ra will be there waiting for me. i think looking forward to this is all thats kept me going through five weeks of proficiencies, two weeks of nasty illness, too many asthma attacks to count, an my recital, not to mention other shit. thats all i have to say for now. oh wait. val has her recital tomorrow. one pm in nab. everyone should come. | | Saturday, February 12th, 2005 | | 11:47 pm |
im bitching. you've been forewarned. if u dont like it, go fuck yourself.
so i seem to have been cast as quite a few things this year. first it was someone's clone. that didn't work out, so i became music school hermit. an now i appear to be a mega-bitch. well, isn't that wonderful! an wtf is up with the music school hermit thing anyway! my first two years here i didn't practice five hours a day an didn't spend my life doing work. an i got looked down on and made fun of for not spending my life in the fucking practice room. well an good. but now that i actually attempt to practice and im trying to do my work, im scorned as a fucking hermit. what the hell! make up ur friggin minds, if u have them. and now im a mega-bitch on floor for saying things that everyone is thinking and refuses to say. well fuck that. if all you can do is whisper behind peoples backs about them and complain about things without actually trying to do anything useful about them, ur a sniveling, low-life sneak. so go fuck urself. are we sensing a theme here? on a brighter note, i went to see bridget jones' diary: the edge of reason tonight. it was hysterical, and made much better by excellent company. i love allison! i gave a successful recital (an got an a on it, despite the fact that i was fucking sick) and am now smack in the middle of proficiencies. ive got four done, an have four left. three weeks to the day until i get to see laura. i cannot wait to get out of here and let people bitch about me where i dont have to hear it. so to continue my theme, if u don't like it, go fuck yourself. | | Thursday, January 20th, 2005 | | 12:24 am |
back at school, with a vengeance. proficiencies are now, an have to be completed by march 4th. grades are in from last semester, an i did really well in my lesson an in teaching. lets hope both of those continue. im stressed out; our province officer visits next friday, i have to take proficiencies in eight instruments, i have a recital in a week and three days, and classes for my education degree are friggin overwhelming. my theory professor loves me. im happy. he called me into his office an told me that my term paper would make an excellent grad school application paper. he said hes thrilled to have me in his class, and a whole bunch of other things. soooo.....dr. clifton, here come all my recommendation requirements. hey, if he likes me that much, he can write me good letters, right? im exhausted and stressed out and sad, an its late, so im gonna go to bed, but i felt the need to see a date in this calendar year above my latest entry. Current Mood:  gloomy | | Friday, December 10th, 2004 | | 5:56 pm |
i am now officially the happiest person in the world. this years december graduates have received their candy canes, and are out of my life. i never have to be afraid to walk through the music building again. on a different note, and a somewhat confusing one, my mri came back completely normal. so im dizzy an no one knows why. but its been slowly fading, and hopefully it'll be gone by the time i get home. kelly, di, val, possibly tuba mel, an i are going out to common ground tonight. theyre over at t12 for a phi mu alpha party (without alcohol, of course) and i'm taking a nap. wings later to celebrate. i cant believe that this time next week, ill be home and my fifth semester will be done. i have only two more years left. i know that doesnt seem like much to ppl with regular four year degrees, but believe me, when ur in ur junior year an have to wait until december to say ur halfdone with ur degree, it means alot! an when those two years are up, i can go be with the ppl i love. in the meantime, i now have a place that im not afraid to be anymore. yay! Current Mood: ecstatic | | Thursday, December 2nd, 2004 | | 9:15 pm |
so i had a good break...i had fun with my mother (slightly surprising...ok, more than slightly surprising....) and i saw my aunt and uncle an cousins. thanksgiving was nice (except the part where my aunt launched in on insulting my father, thats always fun), an i got to see my cousin's daughter, rebecca, who i haven't seen in a long time. my cousins are all much older than me, and rebecca is two years younger than me, so i really know that generation better. i got my recital dress, an the best part is my mother actually paid for it. YAY! now i might be able to pay a cell-phone bill and an accompanist. wouldnt THAT be awesome. hopefully my uncle can get me a job in hartford this summer, so i could be near laura. this of course, would come with the condition that i paid frequent visits to my aunt and uncle and rescued my uncle from my aunt's constant badgering. honestly, i dont know why theyre still married. w/e. got back here an everything was going ok, until dr. kaiser lied to beth peterson about me, and i got sick. i started feeling dizzy tuesday evening, an the world hasnt stopped spinning since then. ive been walking into things that arent there and bumping into walls that move on me. ive had my blood pressure taken seven fucking times, had blood drawn (an it took them four tries, cuz they had a STUDENT doing it, an he wasnt even a medical student, he was an IC student) so ive got four needle holes in my arms, have bruises all over me from walking an bumping into things, an to top it all off got naseous for most of today. so the oh-so-brilliant doctors here recommended an mri. well thats all good, but my home doctor agrees with them. so thats a little scary. of course, now i have to go argue with my insurance, cuz none of the places here actually TAKE my insurance, so i have to get some sort of authorization, an just thinking about it makes me more dizzy than i am. vals been awesome. an so has kelly. and actually, so has dr. galvan, of all the strange things. an i have some dvds that steve lent me over break, so i can watch those and read because things spin less if i focus on something intently. yay for nice ppl. love my val! miss my puppy. an im glad to be back in ithaca. while the school may drive me up the wall, i really do love the town. an i really want to go to church on sunday. theres a newcomer's breakfast on saturday morning that i want to go to, but i dont know how i could get there without begging a ride, and theres sai stuff to do. then again, theres always sai stuff to do. bedtime now, so i can drag my ass out of bed for an eight am class tomorrow, since im NOT going to the health center three days in a row (ive already wasted five of the past 48 hours there) and i wont be excused from class without a note. but nice gay professor likes me, so he;ll go easy on me. maybe ill get my term paper back. Current Mood: dizzy | | Tuesday, November 16th, 2004 | | 12:08 am |
shana and krisiti (epsilon epsilon treasurer) came up for initiation this past weekend. it was amazing to see shana again, not only cuz shes a friendly face. ive missed her so much, and i dont think i realized quite how much until she was back here again. kristi was awesome, and im so glad that i asked them to come up and that they were able to. in other news, transposition sucks. as does wind ped. and as does keith kaiser. peterson scared the crap out of me today in conducting. he was "cranky," as he put it, an i dont think ive ever been so scared of a professor in my entire life. i sat there in my chair cowering an hoping that he wouldnt have me go up an conduct. i was SO glad when that was over! thanksgiving break begins on friday evening. however, my computer is a dipshit. its had over 197 viruses in the past week (an where the hell did they all come from, an why did they pop up so suddenly!?!), and so i need to take it to my dad so he can wipe the harddrive an reinstall the operating system an all of my stuff. all well an good, as far as it goes. but this means that i have to sit in a car for six hours on friday to get back to boston. then i have to get up an leave boston at nine am on saturday and drive halfway to vermont, meet my dad in a rest area, drop off my computer with him, turn around an drive right back. then i have to do the whole thing in reverse the following weekend. i cant wait for break to come, but i wish i could stay here instead of going back to lincoln. i want to spend time with my mom, but im hating it there more and more and more. i wish sometimes that i could crawl into a hole in ithaca and hide there and just do all my work there until i graduate. an things are so up in the air right now. i dont know whether or not to be looking at grad schools in ca, in canada, on the east coast, or in germany. i HATE not knowing whats going on! this semester has really flown by. i feel like i just started, and it cant possibly be at an end. at the same time, ill be glad for the work to stop for awhile. life confuses me. people say that if we all got to do what we wanted, no one would....take out the garbage, clean houses, take care of kids, fix plumbing, etc. however, i love to clean an take care of kids. there definately are people who enjoy fixing plumbing. and i think that if we all tried it, it would be an interesting experiment, to say the least. i miss vicki! i havent seen her since last christmas, an i never get to talk to her anymore. stupid oregon. i also found out that steve is kinda seeing a girl that i used to kinda see. i dont know what to think about that. i guess i wouldnt mind so much if she hadnt stopped talking to me years ago, an kept in touch with him while steve an i were still dating. but whatever. i want him to be happy, an if thats what makes him happy, then so be it, an congrats an good luck to him. :) bedtime. | | Saturday, October 30th, 2004 | | 6:15 pm |
cantique de jean racine is so much prettier with organ. its a piece that chorus is singing for a concert tomorrow, and my dad came up for family weekend and brought a cd with a piece of french choral music on it....dun dun dun....yes, the cantique de jean racine is it. he showed up with my little brother before the last piece on the concert last night. i hate it when he does that. he promises me again and again and again that he will come. and he either never does, or shows up so late that he might as well not have. an having him here seems really awkward and i dont know why. this whole week has been wierd. and for the record, i have torn down posters in the music building...BUT they are NOT recital posters! i have torn down two anti-abortion posters that i found particularly offensive. but no matter how much i may dislike or be at odds with any person, i DO NOT tear down people's recital posters. even ones that i find homophobically offensive. so why should i tear down a poster that belongs to a person that frankly i dont really pay any attention to anymore! stupid theory paper is due on friday, so i have to go work on it. | | Tuesday, October 19th, 2004 | | 4:07 pm |
| | Friday, October 15th, 2004 | | 8:04 pm |
not much now cuz my arms hurt, but im having a great break. peaceful and quiet. i definately like being alone sometimes, and after all the hairpulling and drama thats been produced recently, this is a blessed gift from god, or would be, if i believed in him enough to think hed give me a gift. i can sleep however long i want to, i NEVER have to set my alarm, i can eat whenever i want to. i can practice whenever i want to. and i have to reiterate this. its amazing how much im getting done in my practice sessions this year, especially with my arms severely reducing the time i can play. i think theyre getting better though, cuz i can stand almost two hours now before i cant feel my fingertips anymore. ive gotten alot done this break also. my recital is on saturday, january 29 at three, and my stepsister is gonna try to come up from baltimore!! yay!! ive seen her twice this past year, an this would make it three times! that hasnt happened since i stopped going to my dads house five or six years ago. i have all of my music picked out: two solo pieces, one piece with piano, one with viola, and one with percussion (i think its with toms, but since im not certain ill just say percussion an keep myself out of trouble with all my percussionist friends, who im sure would eat me alive if i said the wrong thing). for many reasons, ive decided to go inactive in sai for the remainder of this semester. first and foremost, because it is impinging upon my goals for myself for the semester, which were to get my arms better, to get my grades up, and to maintain a healthy relationship with laura while shes in LA. and while ive managed to do all three of those things to beyond my expectations, it is really stressful. and next semester when i plan to go back, things will be less stressful for many reasons. PRESENT NOT-SO-HAPPY THINGS: laura is sick....nasty stomach bugs! my arms hurt. i have NO quarters for doing laundry, and no money to give to the offeratory at church on sunday.... PRESENT HAPPY THINGS: LAURA!!! :) and becca is coming up to visit me! yay! and im debating wings for dinner......yummy.......golden bbq and honey bbq......hehehehehehehehe.......or vanilla ice cream and kahlua.......and val is coming back tomorrow! yay! i miss val when shes not here. i got an a- in conducting with peterson, when i thought i flunked my midterm! church! im loving the uu church here so much. and having gone a few times, i think ive decided to try and make it a regular thing. i think it was like fife and drum. i had it, then stopped, and now that ive started it again, i didnt know how much i really missed it when i didnt have it. and LAURA!!!!!! Current Mood: content | | Tuesday, October 12th, 2004 | | 12:01 am |
so at my last entry i commented that my tuner fell out of my locker and broke. well today i knocked it out of my locker again, and guess what? it fell onto the ground and PLAYED A B-FLAT! IT FIXED ITSELF! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER 100 DOLLARS ON A TUNER AND ANOTHER 20 TO SHIP IT!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! | | Monday, October 4th, 2004 | | 10:23 pm |
list of things i hate: mondays tweezing conducting tests form and analysis tests stupid people slow people my stupid slow fingers my arms my physical therapist my lack of motivation teaching writing lesson plans drugs the way i always want to go get drunk to solve a problem the way the water in ford tastes boring away messages songs im sick of being played over and over the way the guy at the towers dining hall puts everything ON TOP of an omelette instead of inside it distance the concert band rep for the family weekend concert people who wear knee-length skirts to a concert and dont get yelled at when ppl who wear pants do an if i kept on going with this list, it would be bizillions of pages long. i broke my goddamn tuner today, which sucks. cuz it cost $100 and i so cant afford to fix it. i have two house-mates already for next year, but the one that i really want to live with me cant. i have my lesson tomorrow, and im not prepared for the first time this year, and i hate that feeling. i have no clue how i did on my fucking form test. im scared of my conducting test. i hate my dreams. i wish i could control them. and im sick of trying to watch my mouth and my language. i should go set up a commune, which, in addition to being a no-paperwork commune, requires everyone to swear at least once a day. i dont know if my antidepressants are working, its hard to tell. I HATE THE FUCKERS ON THE SECOND FLOOR WHO DONT STOP BANGING ON THINGS AND THUMPING! i hate it when people play instruments in the dorms at midnight. i hate having to take these years of my life, which should be the best ones, and spend them doing something that i hate. i cant find a pianist for the undine sonata, which i have to perform in rep two weeks from tomorrow. i wish i could box up all my emotions and close them in an iron casket and solder it shut and throw it out into space and watch it disintegrate and burn as it hit the sun. and i hate it when its nice outside. | | Tuesday, September 28th, 2004 | | 11:24 pm |
so after a rough three days, my life seems to be back on track. YAY! people dont understand why i like arguing. its not that i actually enjoy being yelled at, or actually enjoy yelling at people and hurting them. but everytime you argue with someone and then come to an understanding, it knocks down another barrier between you and them. an i know that my last entry was bitching about letting people in. theres one person ill let in. an i feel as if after every argument i know her better, and love her even more. i dont make any sense, but thats the way i feel. me happy! | | Friday, September 24th, 2004 | | 11:53 pm |
so theyve apparently changed the format here since the last time i posted.... ive decided that my old philosophy was right. people who have no hold over you cannot hurt you, and therefore you should minimize the number of people who have a hold over you. i tried doing it the other way. and i got hurt. again and again and again, and this last time, although im certain it was unintentional (and possibly even unconciously?) was the worst, because of that. so im going back to my way. the people who dont know you cant hurt you. if u never let anyone past your barriers, they cannot hurt you either. no one will get past them again. not for a very very long time, if ever. i promise myself that. | | Tuesday, September 14th, 2004 | | 6:12 pm |
so i haven't updated in a while....things are going better. having had my rant about this person who made me feel filthy, im done. i guess i need to try an follow ra's advice (which is excellent, as always, dammit!) and let it pass. im trying, i really am. well, maybe not as hard as i could be. i miss laura. even though i couldn't see her when she was still in ct (except for that wonderful surprise visit which made the beginning of this year the best EVER), it was nice to know that she was only 5 odd hours away. now, and i know this cuz im pathetic and looked it up on mapquest....shes 2,691.11 miles away. and 40 odd hours. it shouldnt make a difference. but it does. ive been looking back east for the past two years, and now my heart strings are being pulled in the other direction, and i find myself glancing towards the hills west of campus when i walk to class in the morning. i get to talk to her alot, although i think that will change now that shes started classes. and i understand. and i want her to be happy. and i know she'll succeed and do really well there, and i have every confidence in her. theres just a tiny selfish part of me that wishes she was here or i was there. i try to stick it in a box and lock it up, but it gets out sometimes. my feelings are good at jail-breaks. i need to work on that. but talking to her makes me smile, and everytime i think about her i smile. so ill be walking down the practice room hallways and suddenly smile, and im sure ive gotten extremely odd looks from people i dont know who think i must be smiling at them. my arms still hurt, but oddly enough, theyve gotten slightly better. i played for an hour an 20 minutes yesterday, and they didnt hurt any more than they have in the past when i played for an hour. they still hurt, but at least it wasnt worse. kelly says i sound really good, and that shes pleased with me. its wierd, but i guess this arm thing is good for me. now that my practice time is SO limited, im forced to make it more efficient. so much more so, in fact, that im actually doing better than i was before this entire load of crap with my arms and depression started. the final consensus is that ill be doing an elective recital this coming semester (spring '05....wow, that looks WIERD!). it makes sense, with my arms, and with my junior proficiencies, but i feel cheated in a way. i was gonna do my recital this semester, and then kelly had me put it off until next semester. and now i have to put it off another semester (or possibly more, depending on when i senior teach). on the bright side, it means that this is my last year playing juries. on the not-so-bright side, im disappointed. i was really looking forward to it. and while i get to give an elective recital by myself, its still not quite the same. i also feel, and i KNOW this is stupid, that kelly thinks im not ready to prepare myself, or that im not good enough.... sai i just wont even talk about. i guess if i can get through this year, everything will be better. sai, my arms, no more junior teaching (although im positive ill hate and be afraid of senior teaching even more than junior), no more proficiencies hanging over my head, my classes, and ill be one year closer to laura. but it seems odd to say that, cuz i guess i feel like despite all the bitching ive been doing, this year has really been better than i expected it to be. now that ive ranted enough, im gonna go prepare for some sai stuff, and go to the kappa rush. then come back here and go to bed to nurse this damn virus, which ive now had for SIX days. i havent been able to talk since saturday. ive been coughing since thursday. and tired and getting chills and feverish since friday. UGH! make it go AWAY! on the bright side again, the health center (to which i finally went to make ra stop telling me to go, god shes persistent!) DID NOT ask me if i was pregnant. they must be slipping. think of all the pregnancies that will result on this campus now that theyve slipped and forgotten just once to ask if someone was pregnant. i kinda wish they had asked me, just so i could have said no in an annoyed voice.....thats bad emily! ok, im going now! | | Saturday, September 4th, 2004 | | 10:46 pm |
I feel dirty. I feel filthy, like someone I loved and trusted has been throwing dirt and mud at me for years, and I've only just looked in the mirror and realized what has stuck to me. I feel betrayed and hurt. I feel like I let someone in, and they turned on me, and I didn't see it, because they were posing as my friend the whole time. I feel like no matter how hard I scrub away at myself, it won't come away. And I'll be stuck with this filth clinging to me for the rest of my life. I feel unclean. I feel as though I have gone out of my way for years to accomodate someone, and to make things right for them, and that I have gone against what I believed for them, and now I am standing staring at the sword protruding from my gut. I feel dirty, and it won't go away. |
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